Oh god. Where do I start?

I don’t even know how to say this. I don’t know what to do.

Jamie’s wife died. Helen is dead.

She was in an accident yesterday morning. She was hit by one of those big oil tanker truck things while driving their little girl to school. From what I can gather she was killed outright. The little girl, Beth, she’s in hospital. I’ve heard she’s not too badly hurt but things are complicated because of her disabilities. J has been there with her since it happened.

The police came to work yesterday morning. I was in the hall with Ben when they arrived but we didn’t hear what they said. Then I heard J say, “No that can’t be right…’ He just kept saying, “No, no, no,” his face white with disbelief, his eyes closed like if he didn’t look at the police then it couldn’t be true.

Ben and I cautiously approached them. J turned to me, his face a picture of anguish.

“They said Helen is dead,” he told us. “Helen can’t be dead.”

He went with the police to the hospital and as far as I know he’s been there ever since. We all feel so useless, but we’re doing what we can. No one’s expecting him back at work for a long time. How do you ever return to normality after something like this? I can’t even imagine it.

I want more than anything to go over to the hospital and keep him company, but I don’t think it would be right. I want to be near him but it’s not my place. I’ve heard he has a small family, just one brother and sister, and both his parents are still around. I hope they’re with him. I hope he’s not alone. When Mum died, I was surrounded by people and it really helped – I couldn’t have coped without them, especially Lucy. I hope Jamie has that kind of support. I think tomorrow I’ll talk to Ben and see if he thinks there’s anything we can do to help.

The kids did something really sweet this afternoon – they all clubbed together and got a really lovely card for J. Lisa and I were crying when we read what they’d written in there. They may be unruly little sods and right little tearaways – that’s why they’re in residential care after all – but they’ve got big hearts, bless them.

Now I feel like crying again so I’m going to have a bath and go to bed.

7.50 p.m.
Lucy’s in bloody San Francisco, having the time of her life, and I’m sitting here on my own, fantasising that I’m J’s wife because it’s her birthday and he left work early to make a special dinner for her. I should be at the gym, and I said I’d meet Darren afterwards, but I can’t be bothered. I need to stop wishing my life away like this and get on with it but I’m so miserable and so bloody obsessed with this gorgeous, gorgeous man.
11.05 p.m.
Hayley talked me into going to meet Darren. She still doesn’t know about J – she just thinks I’m feeling low – and I let her talk me into it. We had a few drinks and now he’s in my bathroom and I daresay he’ll stay the night again because I need to take my mind off HIM.

Well I’ve had 24 hours to think about it, and I’m still thinking… SHIT!

We went out to dinner, and Darren was lovely, very attentive and wouldn’t let me even buy a drink. It felt a bit weird at first, it being only our second date, but he’s so sweet that he didn’t come across as overbearing or desperate or anything like that, just really genuine and nice. I ended up inviting him in and we had sex. He stayed the night and when he got up, he was all happy and excited, full of energy like a fucking puppy. SHIT. I shouldn’t have slept with him. I guess it didn’t occur to me how much he likes me.

While we were shagging, I was thinking of J and I had the most intense orgasm ever. I feel awful. I am a very, very bad woman 😦

When we were having a coffee break this morning, Lisa asked J if he’d had a nice evening last night (he’d let slip that the wife was planning something) and he did that sweet little shy smile that he does and I felt so-very-jealous. It’s ridiculous. He’s been married for at least 12 years and he loves his wife. I’ve no right to be jealous.

I went out last night with Darren. He’s been asking me for weeks, ever since the Xmas party, and I finally caved and we arranged to go to the pictures and then for a drink. The film was good and we had a lovely long chat afterwards and seem to have a lot in common but he doesn’t push my buttons. We got into a fairly hefty snog at one point, which was nice, but I’m just not attracted to him in the way that I want to be attracted to him. I like him a lot, and I’m fairly sure that if I wasn’t so hung up on Jamie then I’d probably fancy him quite a bit, but all I’m doing is comparing Darren to J and Darren just comes out lacking. He’s asked me out to dinner on Thursday – Valentine’s Day – and I’ve said yes so that I won’t spend the day and night mooning over J. I really need to get over him before I fall any deeper.

Lucy rang from Las Vegas. She’s having a whale of a time and I wish I was there 😦

 

OMG! Training day on Thursday was fantastic! The training was actually quite interesting as it covered legislation around cared-for children and not just the processes or what we can and can’t do for them. I also learned a lot about the history of our children’s home and it made me feel really proud of what we do, and what I’ve learned today can be included towards the Duty of Care module of my NVQ. But more importantly I got to talk with J outside of our normal work environment and it was lovely. Not just me, obviously – we were quite a big group and at lunchtime we all ate together – but there were a couple of times when it was just me and him talking and I didn’t get all flustered like I normally do, so that’s progress.

This is what I’ve learned about the very delicious Jamie MacDougall.

• • He grew up near Glasgow and went to Glasgow Uni. That’s where he met his wife.
  • He was a Social Worker before he came to work for our charity. He started as a project co-ordinator and in three years worked his way up to manager.
  • He was promoted to manager at our project last May, so he’d only been here for three months before I started. I thought it was longer.
  • He likes music and dancing and cycling and low-budget films and reading (swoon).
  • His favourite meal is chicken arrabiatta which he can make from scratch (another swoon).
  • His middle name is Alasdair (swanky!) and he’s 36 (37 in April but I don’t know the date).
  • He smells bloody lovely – Obsession for Men, I think (guuuuuh).
  • He has absolutely no idea how gorgeous he is.
  • He trained as a teacher (and he’d have made a brilliant one, I reckon), but he went into social work after volunteering in his last year at Uni. Their loss, our gain.
  • He’s very, very passionate about his work, and the work that we do at the Children’s Home. I knew that already, but it really shone out during the training. He had us all really motivated and energised – it was fantastic.
  • He worships his wife and daughter. He didn’t give much away about them – never does – but it’s obvious. I overheard him saying that his daughter has communication problems due to brain damage at birth, but he didn’t mention her multiple physical disabilities.

 

All of these things – even the fact that he’s a devoted family man, damn him – have made me fall for him even harder. I don’t know what to do – I’m getting really obsessed. Lisa calls it a crush but it’s much deeper than that – I absolutely adore and respect and idolise him. Yes, I lust after him too, but who wouldn’t?

I need to find a boyfriend.

Lucy rang from the airport while I was at work this morning, reminding me that all her hotel and excursion details are on that email she sent me last week. She sounded so excited, and I just wish I was going with her. Roll on August and the trip to New York 🙂

We got a bit tearful when she was saying goodbye though – four weeks is a long time for her to be away on her own and even if she is older than me, I still worry about her travelling alone. I made her promise to ring me every time she changes hotel.

The Burns Night do at the Pig and Whistle on Friday was brilliant. We’d tried to persuade J to come, him being Scottish and all, but he said no. I was going to say ‘declined graciously’ because he did, as always, but how bloody besotted does that make me sound? I’m rolling my eyes at myself. We had a great time, though, and I’ve even discovered a liking for haggis!

I can’t remember how it came up, but Ben said that J’s family still live in Scotland, and his dad’s got Alzheimer’s. It made me think of Mum, and I got a bit tearful, and Ben was so sweet and apologetic, bless him. Why are all the nice ones unavailable? Or, as in Ben’s case, gay!

I’ve been resisting the urge to write about Jamie every day. Every time I’ve sat down to write something new here, the only thing that’s come to mind has been some thought or ‘news’ of him, and I really need to not go there. But … I’ve been booked on a training course on 31st January … and J will be going too! He’s offered to drive, and Lisa, Ben and I will go with him. It’s a full day training course (9 – 4.30) so including the drive there and back I’ll get nearly nine hours with him. Will I be able to concentrate??

Gavin’s mum rang me on Sunday. She was lovely, and she said she’d suspected that G had been glossing over things. Bastard. We talked for ages, not just about him, and she said I sounded so much happier now. Bless her.

Hayley says I should be nice to Darren and go out with him. She doesn’t know about my feelings for J. I think Lisa suspects, but she has no idea how bad it is.

New Year, new blog!

I’m not sure who I’m writing this for, but Hayley said on Facebook that everyone’s doing it so I thought I’d give it a go. Plus, given how things ended with Gavin, and seeing as I’ve actually made NY resolutions this year, it might be a good idea to give myself somewhere to record my feelings and then I can look back later and see how I’m doing.

I’ll keep it private, I think. I just need somewhere to put down my thoughts and feelings without anyone reading them or trying to offer advice or anything like that. I need to just get things out of my head, and hopefully seeing my thoughts in black and white in front of me might make it easier to work out what I’m doing and where I’m going. I need to get on with my life, and hopefully this blog will help me work out some plans for the future.

I’ve finally written my letter to Gavin’s mum and told her the truth about what happened, rather than Gavin’s edited version of it. I only posted it on Monday so with the usual seasonal backlog and the Bank Holiday she probably hasn’t got it yet, but I feel so much better about it all now – writing it all down was very cathartic. I think I can even forgive him now, too, which is new. Hopefully this means that I’m moving on.

I still fancy Jamie like mad. I know he’s married and it’s obvious he adores his wife and their little girl, but a girl can look, can’t she? I wish I didn’t find him so attractive – I get all flustered when he’s around, and I know it’s never going to go anywhere, so it’s a complete waste of time – but he’s just so bloody gorgeous. He came into work wearing a new red jumper yesterday and I couldn’t take my eyes off him – had to take myself off to the kitchen to clear my head.  Lisa said he’d had it for Xmas, and she said he had a lovely new aftershave on too but I didn’t let myself get close enough to get a whiff … might have lost control if I had.

Christmas and New Year seem to have flown by in a flash, even with the two weeks I had off. Coming back to work yesterday I felt like I hadn’t been away! The Xmas party was good, but I was gutted that J wasn’t there. I know he doesn’t do those things, but I’d hoped he might have had a change of heart. He said yesterday that his little girl had been poorly on New Year’s Eve so I don’t suppose he got to do much then either, even at home. Darren snatched a kiss under the mistletoe; nice kisser, nice looker, but he’s not J. [sigh] I wish this thing had emojis!

Work at the Home is going fine. The kids we’ve got at the moment are a rowdy bunch but they’re no trouble really and we’re all working really well together, especially now we have J for a manager. The only downside is that Vinnie now thinks he should be Deputy Manager and he’s a bit grumpy that that’s not happened, but I’m sure J and the Area Director will be doing something about that. Not sure I want V as DM, to be honest – he’s too bossy as it is – but hey ho it’s not for me to decide.

With it being Friday I worked the late shift today, so no drinks night for me tonight. I’m not that bothered, if I’m honest. All they do is talk about work stuff and I’m usually just sitting there wishing that J would join us. The fact that he’s a devoted family man does nothing to distract me from lusting over him. I am a bad, bad woman.

I’m off to bed now. I bought a new duvet and cover at lunch time, and it’s all soft and snuggly. I will NOT think about snuggling under there with J…