Lucy rang me late on Sunday night and she was fine. She said she’s worried about what I’m getting into, and just doesn’t want me to get hurt, but of course she’ll always be there for me. She’d had a great time at the party and had ended up staying over and going home at tea time, which was why she didn’t answer her phone. I haven’t told her about the kiss.
I finally got hold of Darren on Sunday night too. He was a bit off with me, which I guess is fair enough. He asks me out all the time and I just never make the time for him. I had a really long talk with him and told him I like him and I like going out with him but I’m just not ready for a relationship yet. He said he’s not either, but he just wants to know where he stands so I said that’s up to him but I’m not doing the boyfriend/girlfriend thing. He said we should just see where it goes, and I said okay. He met me from the gym last night and we went for a few drinks, and it was nice. He’s really sweet. He deserves someone much nicer than me.
Spoke to Ben yesterday at work. We were in the laundry room and I just came right out and told him what had happened on Saturday. He said he’d gone round there with his boyfriend, Adam, on Sunday evening and Adam had said afterwards that he thought Jamie had said something odd about me but couldn’t quite remember what it was. I wanted to know what it was, and B said he’d ask but he didn’t think it was anything to worry about. He was really concerned for both of us and asked me what happened after the kiss so I told him it all, even about me fancying J, right up to Jamie’s phone call on Sunday night, and I said I was going to start looking for another job so that I could get away. He just shook his head, pulled me into a hug, and said, “Don’t rush into things.” I said I don’t want to risk doing something stupid again and he said, “You won’t, it’s not like you’re in love with him,” and I just went red and he said, “Oh dear,” and rubbed my back in that lovely way that he does.
And then, of course, it was only a few minutes after that that I saw Jamie coming out of his office, and we both smiled awkwardly at first but then he just slipped into manager mode and started talking about the inspections due next week and we were fine. I’m struggling more than ever to not get flustered when he talks to me at work. When we’re in his house I’m relaxed and able to talk with him about anything as if it’s the most natural thing in the world. Which it is, because we’re friends. So why does it feel different when we’re at work, and I come over like a stupid besotted teenager with a crush?
I haven’t been to Jamie’s since Saturday. When I was leaving work this afternoon, I told J to ring if he wanted help with anything, and he just said thanks and let it go. So now I’m thinking that I’ve scared him off and he won’t want me going round there anymore, and if that’s true then I really will move away because otherwise it will break my heart.