Thursday 28 February

I called in on Jamie this afternoon, on my way to work. I told myself I was just being a friend; I was just checking in on a friend the day after his wife’s funeral. I told myself I definitely wasn’t doing it because I had dreamt about him all night and I couldn’t think about anything but him.

We went through to the kitchen, and I could see he was in the middle of opening a pile of mail. He said it had been piling up for days, and most of it was cards. We were sitting down and talking about work as he opened another envelope and went all still. His freckles stand out really dark when he goes pale – I hadn’t noticed that before today. I asked him if he was okay and he said, “It’s an insurance claim,” and it took me a minute to realise he meant life insurance. I was going to offer to help him fill the form in but he looked like he didn’t want to face it just then so I didn’t say anything. I asked if everyone had got off okay and he said Elspeth had taken Muriel and Angela to the airport and then she was driving home with their mum. He said he hadn’t seen his brother, Dougal, since the reception after the funeral, but he’d probably be back in London by now. I get the impression there’s a bit of friction between him and Dougal, but he didn’t say anything about that. Dougal looks a lot like J and he’s nice enough – a bit older than J, I think, and not as tall or as thin, and his hair’s a bit lighter – but I don’t think they have much in common.

I didn’t stay long, I had to get to work. I didn’t want to leave…

Lucy rang tonight – she said she’s coming up tomorrow for a weekend visit. I’ve hardly had time to talk to her since she got back from the states, but tonight she asked me if I’m still lusting over J or if I’ve found a proper boyfriend and I just changed the subject. I’m really scared that I’ve fallen in love with him and I don’t know whether to tell her or not.

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